so here it is!
I’m about to watch “Avatar” on blu-ray and I wish it was real. I mean, a real place to go and re-discover yourself. But it’s not. So I’m gonna sit in Hoo-vah and do it. That is, re-discover myself.
And btw, if you didn’t know yourself to begin with, how do you RE-discover? discuss amongst yourselves.
Both my kids are beginning new schools for 2010-2011. Which means I’ve been to some meetings, filled out some paperwork and made some decisions that I hope are right. Time will tell.
Autoimmune update: I went down a .5 milligram on my prednisone today. Amazing what that will do to ya. I am completely agitated. Not that you needed to know that. I don’t recommend steroids for stablizing your emotions, but, it will however, control the amount of inflammation in your body so you can function. Gluten free – the way to be. At least for those of us with mental disorders in our genetic history. More on that later.
Posted by Shelley on Apr 15, 2010 in
Mental Illness,
Uncensored Shelley One year ago a series of events led me to my first counseling session. I believe God is an on time God. My counseling needed to happen sooner but instead the one who made me, the one who has the best plan, the one who holds my past, present and future in His hand gave me a reason to go last April. Only a short year ago.
I could tell there were mental processes I had that were not “normal”. And I know, “normal” is simply a setting on a washing machine. But since October of 2008 events were beginning to weave the golden thread that only an omniscient God could sew together. The time had come. The time was now. Shelley Shaw, won’t you please go now (to counseling that is)! You might recognize the rhyme from the Dr. Suess book, Marvin K. Mooney.
It is not necessary for me to blog about circumstances that brought me to that point. I can tell you however that many, many things were beginning to connect. For instance, my childhood long lost friends contacted me on FaceBook. In sequential order. Folks that I thought didn’t matter anymore all of a sudden became top of mind. I found very old diaries, completely on accident. But they became the love letters I had written to myself since the time I was 6 years old and they gave me a picture of why I was the way I was. His loving kindness was ever present. God’s fingerprints were all over my life.
My counselor led me to a book entitled, Changes That Heal: How to Understand your Past to Ensure a Healthier Future. It is a book that set me on a path that was going to become very important by last August. Less than 250 days ago.
My past? Kinda normal. I mean, I guess. When you grow up one way you really don’t know that other ways exist. Right? Until you meet other people, possibly have children and begin a family of your own. There is just not enough blog space to explain how my “roadmap” had been messed up. It still is for that matter. All I can say is something told me to stop passing on the issues. To many, especially Christian believers, this is called “generational bondage”. And I knew it existed in my life but didn’t know what to do about it.
The book is excellent and I highly recommend it. The counselor told me, “The first part of this book is probably not what you need but the second part will get you where you want to be.” The first part of the book addressed bonding. The second part addressed boundaries. And I can honestly say the ENTIRE book was spot on what I needed. Not just one chapter. Not just one paragraph. But the whole book.
You are now officially welcome to join my club, called the “bonding and boundary issues club”. This is not about a mental state. It is not about what color you are, how much money you make or if you have a college ed-u-ma-ca-tion. It is about living in a broken world, accepting it for what it is and figuring out how to make the best of it. Basically, it is not about blaming someone else for your issues. The time has come. The time is now. Grace and acceptance won’t you please come now?
One day a cricket was minding his own business. The life of a cricket is pretty routine…chirping, eating, chirping, trying not to get eaten, chirping…
But this day was different. Someone needed to feed some lizards back at the pet shop so this cricket had a date with destiny.
He watched as other crickets were picked up and carted away in plastic bags with egg crate looking things in them. He held his breath. “I am just an innocent bystander here, looking for something to eat and now THIS!” How did this happen he wondered? Most definitely the wrong bug time at the wrong bug place.
It was over in a matter of minutes. And there he stood – untouched. No worries. So he thought.
But everytime he went out he had visions of big sneakers and plastic bags and well, he just couldn’t shake it. All I want to do is live peacefully but what do I do with what I witnessed? Where do I put that in my little bug cricket brain, he asked himself?
Other crickets said to him “get over it!” or “it wasn’t you, it was THEM, you’re still here, it’s all good.” He wanted to believe them, really he did. But it was not sinking in. Just too much drama in that one tiny moment of his little cricket life. Now, it was chirp, eat, worry, think, lament, panic, eat, try to sleep, chirp, eat, worry, think, lament, panic…well, you get the picture.
Amazing how one moment in time changes the way you chirp.
Posted by Shelley on Feb 27, 2010 in
Mental Illness,
Uncensored Shelley,
songs the last “real” conversation I had with Dad he told me he just wanted to feel the sun on his face. he’s there. where the streets have no name. and the sun always shines.
I wanna run
I want to hide
I wanna tear down the walls
That hold me tonight
I wanna reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name
I want to feel
Sunlight on my face
I see the rain cloud disappearing
Without a trace
I can dance in the pouring rain
Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
We’re still building
Then burning down love
Burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you
It’s all I can do
The city’s aflood
And our love turns to rust
We’re beaten and blown by the wind
Trampled in dust
I’ll show you a place
With NO SORROW NO PAIN
Where the streets have no name
I’ll go there with you
It’s all I can do
It’s all we can do
Where the streets have no name
U2
Where the Streets Have No Name
The Joshua Tree – 1987
Posted by Shelley on Jan 24, 2010 in
Mental Illness,
Uncensored Shelley I want so much for other people to benefit from the trauma my family has witnessed.
If you think you are suffering from mental illness or if there is a history of it in your family of origin please don’t be ashamed and get some help. It’s like cancer. You don’t just sit there and wonder, “do I have cancer?” You go to the doctor and find out. If you do have it, you do something about it. At least get informed. If not for yourself, do it for those who love you.
However, what may seem like mental illness to one person is totally normal for the next person. Sometimes the rationale is “it’s just the way I am… deal with it…” That is a crock. If the problems are interfering with what might be normal healthy relationships then “it” needs to be addressed. Whatever “it” is. And definitions of what “normal healthy relationships” are vary from person to person. Thus, it can become a condition that will go undiagnosed. Believe me. I’ve lived it.
Because there is a history of mental problems in my family I’m not going to take “it” very lightly. Just like my dear friend whose mother has survived breast cancer, she didn’t take it lightly either. My friend found the lump and realized she had a chance to beat it.
Simply put, I would NEVER put my children through what my dad has put me through. Ever. Never. Never ever. Like in a hundred million years. Which means I’ve got to swallow my pride and get the bottom of some things. It will take professional help.
I’m absolutely kidding myself if I think I can resolve all of this on my own. Just like cancer needs surgery, chemo and radiation, and diabetes need insulin and dietary changes, mental illness needs more than “it’ll be okay… I’m fine… just a few more days, weeks, years…besides, this is just the way I am and the way it is and well, every one else is just going to have to deal with it because this is just the way I am…”
I thought I had a few more days, weeks, years with my dad. For years I thought, “that’s just the way he is…I’ll deal with it…”
Other people thought that too.
We were wrong.
Posted by Shelley on Jan 10, 2010 in
Mental Illness One in six adults has a mental illness.
My dad was diagnosed bipolar with manic episodes and psychotic features this past August. He died in November.
The first question the social worker asked me when she located me as his next of kin was, “is there a history of mental illness in your family?” I said, “yes, my dad’s grandmother was schizophrenic.”
yep, you bet I am going to say what I need to say.
Posted by Shelley on Jan 7, 2010 in
Mental Illness,
Uncensored Shelley There were three bears. Golden Bear, Rainbow Bear and Aqua Blue Bear. They were very different bears.
Aqua Blue Bear was just happy to be there. Or here. Or wherever. Being in the midst of things was a good place. Neutral is good. Being the mediator is a good thing! Lucky Aqua Blue Bear!
Rainbow Bear was wondering, always wondering. Or maybe it was wandering? Rainbow Bear was not stable in any way, shape or form. That’s a rough place to be! But at the same time, being unsure and unstable can be a good thing. Right? There is always medication for that kind of thing. Lucky Rainbow Bear!
And Golden Bear had it all figured out. Lucky Golden Bear! What a great place to be! All knowing, all omniscient Golden Bear! Law-abiding Golden Bear was judgmental and smart. What could be better than that? That was EXACTLY the place to be!
Rainbow Bear needed reassurance. Aqua Blue Bear was all about encouragement and gave it freely. Golden Bear had nothing to offer. Except judgment and well, truth. Thus, Golden Bear earned the name Truth Bear. Rainbow Bear didn’t hear much from Golden Bear. But Aqua Blue Bear was right there! And Aqua Blue Bear didn’t even realize it! Aqua Blue Bear was just happy to be there!
Rainbow Bear had been on both sides of the rainbow. And earned the name, Grace Bear. However, Rainbow Bear needed some judgment. Some truth. Otherwise, grace meant nothing. Grace without Truth is not acceptable. Instead of wandering (or wondering) Grace Bear needed both the other bears to figure things out.
Aqua Blue Bear decided to speak up. Aqua Blue became bluer than the sky. The name Clarity was given to Aqua Blue Bear. Being bold and speaking freely was a good gift and Clarity Bear used it at the most appropriate time.
Truth Bear, Grace Bear and Clarity Bear made a good combination. It is amazing but all of a sudden the three bears became one bear. Truth combined with Grace gave Clarity.
This is just a story. A short story. NOTHING about this story is really “real.”. At least the fact that this story is about bears.
But wouldn’t it be great if it were? Real? Real. Really? Really.
I mean, really.
today was a crummy but necessary day. i am not sure i will ever be able to express the deep sadness and distress in my heart when it comes to my dad. especially today.
YUCK! UGH! PAAAIIIIINNNNN.
nobody wants to go through what i’ve experienced. it’s my grief and well, your own grief is the worst kind of grief there is. at least that’s what i’ve read.
so, instead of focusing on that, i will re-post a post. this is my last blog post dad commented on; ironically enough i wrote it and published it on 8/17/07.
and just a short 2 years later – well, dang it, dad. it just wasn’t supposed to happen this way. in the wee hours of the morning, 8/17/09, he was admitted into the hospital in a severe psychotic state. and so it began.
2 years before that this is what I wrote. and what he remembered.
BDR529
Posted by shawnuff on Nov 24, 2009 in
Mental Illness,
Uncensored Shelley It was three weeks ago this Thursday when we received the news about my dad. Sometime between November 2nd and November 5th my dad left the temporal world which had tormented him so. The coroner’s report states he died of natural causes.
Due to dad’s very serious psychiatric condition he had been hospitalized. My family was not included on his call list as we were the ones who committed him to go there. Which means this had become quite adversarial. He had hired lawyers to work on his behalf, while he never fully accepted his diagnosis. Instead, he continued to live his bi-polar, manic episode with psychotic features lifestyle. And, well, it is what it is.
I think there are 5 stages of grief and if I understand correctly, humans must be willing to go through all 5 stages, otherwise we endanger our own emotional health. Much of my grieving began several months ago as I realized my dad was going to a place he was not going to come back from, at least not on this earth. I think I’m at the “anger” stage, although psychology is pretty clear that we all vacillate between the stages for some length of time. Maybe I’m still in shock. Who knows.
Below is Melodi’s interpretation of what she witnessed since August 9th, 2009. I could give an account of what I’ve seen, but even in the infinite world of the internet I don’t think there truly is enough space to record it all. So, we will go with Melodi’s story, written the week of Dad’s funeral (2 weeks ago). Typed by Melodi, we have cut and pasted her story into my blog.
The Death of Love
By Melodi
Chapter 1: The Beginning.
Once, and this is a true story, there lived a girl named Melodi about ten-years-old. She awoke to the sound of her mother calling her for breakfast. Today was her brother’s birthday. But little did she know that this was the beginning of a new life.
Her brother was going to have a pool party. And he invited many people. Friends, family, and friend’s family. This included his father, mother, sister, grandmother, grandfather, other grandmother, and other grandfather. Of course, Melodi did not notice her grandfather’s (on her mother’s side- Deeda- for short). The very next day was brought to her attention.
It started later in a day. When her family got a call. Suddenly, mother burst into tears. Melodi wondered what she was crying about, but was too afraid to ask. She soon learned the troubles.
Her grandfather, Deeda- had gone to the hospital down in Auburn. Melodi knew this. But he used to be a doctor and did not want other doctors telling him what to do. So he ran away. Melodi did not understand well, but later wished she would have.
Chapter 2: The News
He had a sickness. Unidentified. He was brought back to the hospital and escaped again. Later another story had formed. Deeda had been driving in his car. But first here are the symptoms of his sickness: being very confused- almost like alsimers-. But he was driving in his car. He parked his car in front of a house he did not know. He went to the door and told the people that there was a bomb in his car. The dad, feeling bad for him, took him to a hotel. The mom, however, was very upset since she had two kids and Deeda had said he had a bomb in his car. She called a bomb squad.
By this time, Melodi was worried sick about Deeda.
Chapter 3:Bad Things
He was back in the hospital again. Nana (his wife) was very scared and worried. They had to have a divorce even though she didn’t want to. Once heard, Melodi was very nervous. Because soon came very bad news…
Chapter 4: The Saddest Thing Heard By Her
Now time for the worst news of all: They were on their way to her brother’s football game when came the frightening words: “Um… Shelley, we are not going to the football game.” Dad had said when off the phone. “Come with me,” father said. All of the sudden, mother was crying the worst I have heard ever. Mom and dad left and left us with grandmom and grandad. (father’s side)
The next day, mother and father took me to Nana’s house. The news came to ear. Mother said, “Deeda died.” Melodi’s once smile turned into a frown. “What happened?” Melodi asked. “Well,” Father said, “he died on Monday but found this Thursday, in a chair. Dead.” Melodi’s eyes filled with tears but she did not show.
Chapter 5: A Sad Moment
The funeral was Monday, the week after the death. The saddest moments she had in her life were upon Melodi. “But, Christmas will not be the same without him,” Melodi cried at the place were his picture was on the table at the funeral (a few moments of silence). “I didn’t even get to say goodbye!”
Chapter 6: Happy Times
He lives now in Heaven. Happy and free of all sadness, and pain. Looking down at us saying, “Do not cry. You will see me some day!”