A Bug’s Life (shelley style)

Posted by Shelley on Mar 24, 2010 in Mental Illness, Real Life Stories, Uncensored Shelley

One day a cricket was minding his own business. The life of a cricket is pretty routine…chirping, eating, chirping, trying not to get eaten, chirping…

But this day was different. Someone needed to feed some lizards back at the pet shop so this cricket had a date with destiny.

He watched as other crickets were picked up and carted away in plastic bags with egg crate looking things in them. He held his breath. “I am just an innocent bystander here, looking for something to eat and now THIS!” How did this happen he wondered? Most definitely the wrong bug time at the wrong bug place.

It was over in a matter of minutes. And there he stood – untouched. No worries. So he thought.

But everytime he went out he had visions of big sneakers and plastic bags and well, he just couldn’t shake it. All I want to do is live peacefully but what do I do with what I witnessed? Where do I put that in my little bug cricket brain, he asked himself?

Other crickets said to him “get over it!” or “it wasn’t you, it was THEM, you’re still here, it’s all good.” He wanted to believe them, really he did. But it was not sinking in. Just too much drama in that one tiny moment of his little cricket life. Now, it was chirp, eat, worry, think, lament, panic, eat, try to sleep, chirp, eat, worry, think, lament, panic…well, you get the picture.

Amazing how one moment in time changes the way you chirp.


Once Upon A Time (again)

Posted by Shelley on Jan 7, 2010 in Mental Illness, Uncensored Shelley

There were three bears.  Golden Bear, Rainbow Bear and Aqua Blue Bear.  They were very different bears.

Aqua Blue Bear was just happy to be there.  Or here.  Or wherever.  Being in the midst of things was a good place.  Neutral is good.  Being the mediator is a good thing!  Lucky Aqua Blue Bear!

Rainbow Bear was wondering, always wondering.  Or maybe it was wandering?  Rainbow Bear was not stable in any way, shape or form.  That’s a rough place to be!  But at the same time, being unsure and unstable can be a good thing.  Right?  There is always medication for that kind of thing.  Lucky Rainbow Bear!

And Golden Bear had it all figured out.  Lucky Golden Bear!  What a great place to be!  All knowing, all omniscient Golden Bear!   Law-abiding Golden Bear was judgmental and smart.  What could be better than that?  That was EXACTLY the place to be!

Rainbow Bear needed reassurance.  Aqua Blue Bear was all about encouragement and gave it freely.  Golden Bear had nothing to offer.  Except judgment and well, truth.  Thus, Golden Bear earned the name Truth Bear.   Rainbow Bear didn’t hear much from Golden Bear.  But Aqua Blue Bear was right there!  And Aqua Blue Bear didn’t even realize it!  Aqua Blue Bear was just happy to be there!

Rainbow Bear had been on both sides of the rainbow.  And earned the name, Grace Bear.  However, Rainbow Bear needed some judgment.  Some truth.  Otherwise, grace meant nothing.  Grace without Truth is not acceptable.  Instead of wandering (or wondering) Grace Bear needed both the other bears to figure things out.

Aqua Blue Bear decided to speak up.  Aqua Blue became bluer than the sky.  The name Clarity was given to Aqua Blue Bear.  Being bold and speaking freely was a good gift and Clarity Bear used it at the most appropriate time.

Truth Bear, Grace Bear and Clarity Bear made a good combination.  It is amazing but all of a sudden the three bears became one bear.  Truth combined with Grace gave Clarity.

This is just a story.  A short story.  NOTHING about this story is really “real.”.  At least the fact that this story is about bears.

But wouldn’t it be great if it were?  Real?  Real.  Really?  Really.

I mean, really.


Melodi’s Story

Posted by shawnuff on Nov 24, 2009 in Mental Illness, Uncensored Shelley

It was three weeks ago this Thursday when we received the news about my dad.  Sometime between November 2nd and November 5th my dad left the temporal world which had tormented him so.  The coroner’s report states he died of natural causes.

Due to dad’s very serious psychiatric condition he had been hospitalized.  My family was not included on his call list as we were the ones who committed him to go there.  Which means this had become quite adversarial.  He had hired lawyers to work on his behalf, while he never fully accepted his diagnosis.  Instead, he continued to live his bi-polar, manic episode with psychotic features lifestyle.  And, well,  it is what it is.

I think there are 5 stages of grief and if I understand correctly, humans must be willing to go through all 5 stages, otherwise we endanger our own emotional health.  Much of my grieving began several months ago as I realized my dad was going to a place he was not going to come back from, at least not on this earth.  I think I’m at the “anger” stage, although psychology is pretty clear that we all vacillate between the stages for some length of time.  Maybe I’m still in shock.  Who knows.

Below is Melodi’s interpretation of what she witnessed since August 9th, 2009.  I could give an account of what I’ve seen, but even in the infinite world of the internet I don’t think  there truly is enough space to record it all.  So, we will go with Melodi’s story, written the week of Dad’s funeral (2 weeks ago).  Typed by Melodi, we have cut and pasted her story into my blog.

The Death of Love
By Melodi

Chapter 1: The Beginning.
Once, and this is a true story, there lived a girl named Melodi about ten-years-old. She awoke to the sound of her mother calling her for breakfast. Today was her brother’s birthday. But little did she know that this was the beginning of a new life.

Her brother was going to have a pool party. And he invited many people. Friends, family, and friend’s family. This included his father, mother, sister, grandmother, grandfather, other grandmother, and other grandfather. Of course, Melodi did not notice her grandfather’s (on her mother’s side- Deeda- for short). The very next day was brought to her attention.

It started later in a day. When her family got a call. Suddenly, mother burst into tears. Melodi wondered what she was crying about, but was too afraid to ask. She soon learned the troubles.

Her grandfather, Deeda- had gone to the hospital down in Auburn. Melodi knew this. But he used to be a doctor and did not want other doctors telling him what to do. So he ran away. Melodi did not understand well, but later wished she would have.

Chapter 2: The News
He had a sickness. Unidentified. He was brought back to the hospital and escaped again. Later another story had formed. Deeda had been driving in his car. But first here are the symptoms of his sickness: being very confused- almost like alsimers-. But he was driving in his car. He parked his car in front of a house he did not know. He went to the door and told the people that there was a bomb in his car. The dad, feeling bad for him, took him to a hotel. The mom, however, was very upset since she had two kids and Deeda had said he had a bomb in his car. She called a bomb squad.

By this time, Melodi was worried sick about Deeda.

Chapter 3:Bad Things
He was back in the hospital again. Nana (his wife) was very scared and worried. They had to have a divorce even though she didn’t want to. Once heard, Melodi was very nervous. Because soon came very bad news…

Chapter 4: The Saddest Thing Heard By Her
Now time for the worst news of all: They were on their way to her brother’s football game when came the frightening words: “Um… Shelley, we are not going to the football game.” Dad had said when off the phone. “Come with me,” father said. All of the sudden, mother was crying the worst I have heard ever. Mom and dad left and left us with grandmom and grandad. (father’s side)

The next day, mother and father took me to Nana’s house. The news came to ear. Mother said, “Deeda died.” Melodi’s once smile turned into a frown. “What happened?” Melodi asked. “Well,” Father said, “he died on Monday but found this Thursday, in a chair. Dead.” Melodi’s eyes filled with tears but she did not show.

Chapter 5: A Sad Moment
The funeral was Monday, the week after the death. The saddest moments she had in her life were upon Melodi. “But, Christmas will not be the same without him,” Melodi cried at the place were his picture was on the table at the funeral (a few moments of silence). “I didn’t even get to say goodbye!”

Chapter 6: Happy Times
He lives now in Heaven. Happy and free of all sadness, and pain. Looking down at us saying, “Do not cry. You will see me some day!”

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