Circus, Circus

(originally written and posted on May 21st, 2006)

I’ve always thought I should’ve jumped that circus train
Taking me places
Where you get paid for flying by the seat of your pants
Like those trapeze artists do.
Or by simply being different
It becomes a line on a resume
And someone finds some value in your flaws.
How about courageously facing fear in its face, whether it be a lion, tiger or bear
And it becomes entertainment.
One ring,
Two rings,
Three rings,
Organization amidst the confusion.
Laughter, applause, amazement.
And somehow it all makes sense as you get to do it again and again!
Day after day, night after night, weeks become months, months become years…
A circus performer I might become yet.

My Story – Part I

I want so much for other people to benefit from the trauma my family has witnessed.

If you think you are suffering from mental illness or if there is a history of it in your family of origin please don’t be ashamed and get some help.  It’s like cancer.  You don’t just sit there and wonder, “do I have cancer?”  You go to the doctor and find out.  If you do have it, you do something about it.  At least get informed.  If not for yourself, do it for those who love you.

However, what may seem like mental illness to one person is totally normal for the next person.  Sometimes the rationale is “it’s just the way I am… deal with it…”  That is a crock.  If the problems are interfering with what might be normal healthy relationships then “it” needs to be addressed.  Whatever “it” is.  And definitions of what “normal healthy relationships” are vary from person to person. Thus, it can become a condition that will go undiagnosed.  Believe me.  I’ve lived it.

Because there is a history of mental problems in my family I’m not going to take “it” very lightly.  Just like my dear friend whose mother has survived breast cancer, she didn’t take it lightly either.  My friend found the lump and realized she had a chance to beat it.

Simply put, I would NEVER put my children through what my dad has put me through.  Ever.  Never.  Never ever.  Like in a hundred million years.  Which means I’ve got to swallow my pride and get the bottom of some things.  It will take professional help.

I’m absolutely kidding myself if I think I can resolve all of this on my own.  Just like cancer needs surgery, chemo and radiation, and diabetes need insulin and dietary changes, mental illness needs more than “it’ll be okay… I’m fine… just a few more days, weeks, years…besides, this is just the way I am and the way it is and well, every one else is just going to have to deal with it because this is just the way I am…”

I thought I had a few more days, weeks, years with my dad.  For years I thought, “that’s just the way he is…I’ll deal with it…”

Other people thought that too.

We were wrong.

Faith

decided

not worry

about this

but instead

said a prayer

and knew

that it was answered.

Say What I Need to Say

One in six adults has a mental illness.

My dad was diagnosed bipolar with manic episodes and psychotic features this past August.  He died in November.

The first question the social worker asked me when she located me as his next of kin was, “is there a history of mental illness in your family?”  I said, “yes, my dad’s grandmother was schizophrenic.”

yep, you bet I am going to say what I need to say.

Once Upon A Time (again)

There were three bears.  Golden Bear, Rainbow Bear and Aqua Blue Bear.  They were very different bears.

Aqua Blue Bear was just happy to be there.  Or here.  Or wherever.  Being in the midst of things was a good place.  Neutral is good.  Being the mediator is a good thing!  Lucky Aqua Blue Bear!

Rainbow Bear was wondering, always wondering.  Or maybe it was wandering?  Rainbow Bear was not stable in any way, shape or form.  That’s a rough place to be!  But at the same time, being unsure and unstable can be a good thing.  Right?  There is always medication for that kind of thing.  Lucky Rainbow Bear!

And Golden Bear had it all figured out.  Lucky Golden Bear!  What a great place to be!  All knowing, all omniscient Golden Bear!   Law-abiding Golden Bear was judgmental and smart.  What could be better than that?  That was EXACTLY the place to be!

Rainbow Bear needed reassurance.  Aqua Blue Bear was all about encouragement and gave it freely.  Golden Bear had nothing to offer.  Except judgment and well, truth.  Thus, Golden Bear earned the name Truth Bear.   Rainbow Bear didn’t hear much from Golden Bear.  But Aqua Blue Bear was right there!  And Aqua Blue Bear didn’t even realize it!  Aqua Blue Bear was just happy to be there!

Rainbow Bear had been on both sides of the rainbow.  And earned the name, Grace Bear.  However, Rainbow Bear needed some judgment.  Some truth.  Otherwise, grace meant nothing.  Grace without Truth is not acceptable.  Instead of wandering (or wondering) Grace Bear needed both the other bears to figure things out.

Aqua Blue Bear decided to speak up.  Aqua Blue became bluer than the sky.  The name Clarity was given to Aqua Blue Bear.  Being bold and speaking freely was a good gift and Clarity Bear used it at the most appropriate time.

Truth Bear, Grace Bear and Clarity Bear made a good combination.  It is amazing but all of a sudden the three bears became one bear.  Truth combined with Grace gave Clarity.

This is just a story.  A short story.  NOTHING about this story is really “real.”.  At least the fact that this story is about bears.

But wouldn’t it be great if it were?  Real?  Real.  Really?  Really.

I mean, really.