By 7pm tonight all I really wanted to do was stare at one blank spot on a big white wall. Alone. In the quiet of nothingness. Maybe this computer screen counts? Don’t I wish!
In the past four weeks we’ve celebrated an anniversary (11 years) and two birthdays. One of which involved a spend the night party and lots of planning (no, it wasn’t Mike’s). And of course Easter. I mean, I’ve bought and eaten my way thru the last four weekends like it was going out of style. Then to add to the celebrations we also had a major downer. Our twelve year old cat died. We just knew we were missing her the past couple of days and didn’t discover it til this morning. She was known as Jackie the Cat and you can actually see and learn more about her over at www.mikeshaw.net.
It’s amazing how quickly I went from present to past tense. And since we really don’t know what happened I’m sort of stuck in that feeling us mothers get… like, I should’ve been there. What could I have done? What did I not do? She was a gift to me from Mike around the time I graduated from Auburn. Which of course made her our first “child” to a degree. Honestly though, when the real Shaw children showed up on the scene both my cats took a major back seat. I mean, they want to be in your lap, and I become enormous when pregnant and I just can’t handle another being wanting to be in my pregnant space. Then, when the babies get here and you nurse… well, you know how that goes, I didn’t want much of anything even touching me for a long time! So, here I go, realizing the separation that developed over the course of the last seven years is something I can’t recoup now.
After Mike had the heartbreaking duty of burying her we talked about it on and off all day and I imagine we will for a while. A part of our youth went away today. And all I wanted was a few minutes to grieve about it. That has truly been the hardest part. To remain on task in the present but wanting to remember the past and not fall apart about it… Where is that blank wall??? (oh, we all know the answer to that one, the bathroom, right girls?)