I just found the biggest coffee mug I could in the house and I can’t believe I’m sitting here drinking it by myself in front of our newly decorated Christmas tree! We got a tremendous fresh cut frasier fur and it smells wonderful. A very beautiful beginning to the holiday season indeed.
We had a very lazy Thanksgiving break and in light of everything else we’ve been through that was exactly what we needed! We slept a little later each day of the 5 day break, which means Canon slept later. He is the one to get us up and moving and it’s a good thing. Otherwise the rest of us might continue having visions of sugarplums dancing in our heads until noon. The break ended when we all had to face Monday morning running late in the rain today. But I will admit that hearing the rain, drinking my coffee and sitting in front of the tree make for a much needed time of reflection for myself.
I ate and drank and was merry through the long weekend, watching football and spending time with my family. The first quarter of the Auburn/Alabama game was unreal. After AU’s second touchdown we were hooping and hollering and Canon walked over and said, “I wish Deeda was here to see this…” and I said, “yes, I wish he were here too…”
I won’t write but a brief paragraph or two about our Thanksgiving without Dad. His absence was present.
A very deep sadness, one that I really haven’t known before has taken up residence in my heart. It is heavy, it is real. The feeling can begin at almost anytime and it always gets interrupted. It doesn’t just “go away”. Instead, the weight of loss makes it’s presence known and in a matter of seconds I am immediately distracted and the emotion gets put off until the next time. Maybe it’s due to the season of my life right now. Grieving just really isn’t in the schedule. There is far too much living to be done around my house. So I’m guessing the one hour weekly therapy session might be in order.
I miss him. But more than that I want to know “why”… why it all went down the way it did. I want to understand his mental state and how real his reality was to him. I want to know how a human being can put up such a front. I want to really know the moments he loved us. And I want to know the last time that he was in his right mind.
So now I’ve got 24 days to get ready for Christmas. Better get busy! But I am most definitely going to finish this cup of coffee first.